The MP3 player
by Lightning Comet
Summary: Shinji buys an MP3 player, and that's only the start of the madness. The rest of the story consists of a chicken dancing Rei, a Pokemon obsessed Misato, and a Britney Spears impersonating Ritsuko, among other things.


The MP3 Player  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any other copyrighted material this fan fiction makes reference to, and I'm not making any money off this fic so please don't sue me. I'd hate to have to give up my pretty Evangelion DVD box set.  
  
Shinji Ikari was happy, which was a rare occurrence for him considering how dark and angst-ridden, and just generally sucky his life had been. In fact, he was very happy. Shinji had just replaced his crappy, old S-DAT with a shiny new MP3 player. "MP3 player, MP3 player, I love my new MP3 player," he sang to himself as he skipped away from the only Best Buy on the planet that hadn't been destroyed in the Second Impact. If Shinji was expecting anything (which he probably wasn't, considering the dazed look on his face), it probably wasn't what happened next. As the Third Child continued to skip down the road, he was hit by an oncoming bus and died. The End. Okay fine, he didn't get hit by a bus and die, because that would end the fic too soon and kinda disrupt the series' continuity. So instead, as Shinji was skipping down the road, he witnessed Rei Ayanami doing the chicken dance in the middle of the street until SHE got hit by a bus and died. Why Rei was doing the chicken dance in the middle of the street was beyond Shinji, but he knew his dad would have another Rei ready by the time he got back to the geofront.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Terminal Dogma.  
  
"Sir, we've lost another Rei."  
  
"Damnit, that's the fifth one this month! Can't you do something about this chicken dancing habit of Rei's, Ritsuko?"  
  
"I'll try sir."  
  
"Now, if you'll excuse me, Honey-Cakes, I've got to go to a secret SEELE meeting and discuss the end of the world."  
  
"Of course, Pookey, I'll be waiting for you when you get back."  
  
***  
  
Misato Katsuragi was sad, very sad. Earlier that morning, Pen-Pen dropped her Game Boy on the floor and broke it. When she got home that night she decided she'd have roast penguin for dinner, but at the moment, all she could do was be depressed. "Now I'll never catch Mewtwo!" she wailed as she walked in to Central Dogma, causing everyone in the room to stare at her. "What are you all staring at?" she asked. "Don't you have an Angel to fight or something?"  
  
The room quickly returned to normal, other than an occasional glance at the NERV Operations Director. Maya Ibuki leaned over to Misato and whispered, "Don't worry, I know what you're going through. I felt the same way when SOMEBODY stole my Yu-gi-oh Cards." Makoto Hyuga shifted uneasily in his seat, and slowly returned his gaze back to the computer console in front of him.  
  
"Has anyone seen Ritsuko?" Misato asked.  
  
"I think she's in her office," Maya answered. "I can page her if you want."  
  
"No, that's alright. I'll go find her myself," Misato replied. She turned and walked out of Central Dogma. 'Hmm, now where was Ritsuko's office?' Misato wondered. She wandered down the many corridors of NERV Headquarters, finally arriving at a door marked: "Dr. Ritsuko Akagi". As Misato paused to open the door, she heard loud music blasting from within. She opened the door.  
  
"Oops, I did it again, I played with your heart, got lost in the game." Dr. Ritsuko Akagi was dancing around the office in a skintight red jumpsuit, singing at the top of her lungs.  
  
"Ritsuko!" Misato exclaimed in shock.  
  
Ritsuko jumped in surprise and quickly turned off the music. "God, Misato, haven't you ever heard of knocking?!"  
  
"Sor-sorry, Ritsuko," Misato stammered. "I'll just leave now."  
  
"No, it's okay. What did you come down here for?" Ritsuko asked.  
  
Misato blushed red as a tomato, "Well actually, I have a date with Kaji tonight and I was wondering if I could borrow some Vaseline."  
  
Ritsuko looked at her friend questioningly, "What makes you think I have Vaseline?" she asked.  
  
Misato blushed redder still. "Well, I know you and Commander Ikari. kinda, ummm, you know."  
  
Now it was Ritsuko's turn to blush. "How did you find out about that?!" she asked.  
  
"Umm. Kaji kinda showed me some tapes he made, and uhh.."  
  
"Kaji TAPED that?! I'm going to kill him!" Ritsuko exclaimed as stormed out of her office.  
  
***  
  
Asuka Langley Sohruy was bored. It wasn't very challenging being a college graduate stuck in an 8th grade class. It wasn't exactly exciting either, unless she was beating on some hapless guy for catching a glimpse of her panties, which she had already done three times that morning, so she was pretty much funned out.  
  
"De pie!" the voice of the class rep. rang through the room. Suddenly she blushed and continued, "Oops, this isn't the Spanish dub. My bad, everybody get off yer butts!"  
  
The students got to their feet to greet the world's oldest teacher as he entered the classroom. He sat down behind his desk, looked out at the class and said, "Attention everyone, today we will have a change of pace. Instead of my usual long and boring lecture on the Second Impact, today we will have sex ed."  
  
Various looks of shock registered on the faces of the students. They had never had a real lesson before, let alone something as controversial (or kinky) as sex education. Shinji couldn't help but blush. Sex ed. with Asuka would prove interesting for the Third Child.  
  
***  
  
Misato opened the door to her apartment and was greeted by the sight of Shinji with lipstick all over his shirt, blushing sheepishly, and Asuka glaring angrily at him. "Do I even want to know what's going on here?" Misato asked.  
  
"Well, ummm." Shinji began.  
  
Asuka cut him off. "Oh just spit it out Third Child!"  
  
Shinji continued to blush as he stammered, "Well, we, uh, had, um, sex ed. in school, and uh."  
  
"And the Amazing Shinji here ended up making out with every girl in the class!" Asuka continued, followed by a string of German curse words.  
  
Misato carefully (or not) surveyed the situation before speaking, "What's the matter, Asuka? Did you want Shinji's lips all to your self?" Misato made kissing motions in the air.  
  
"Ewwww, gross!" Asuka exclaimed. "Who'd ever want to kiss that big idiot? And why are you here, Misato? Didn't you have a date with Kaji tonight?" asked as she went to the fridge and got a cold soda.  
  
Misato blushed, "I did, but we had to cancel because I didn't have any Vaseline, and Ritsuko wouldn't let me borrow any."  
  
Asuka nearly swallowed her soda can. "Vaseline?! That's disgusting! Misato, you're worse than the idiot over here," she said as she pointed at Shinji.  
  
As Misato and Asuka continued to argue, Shinji decided he didn't want to find out what Misato and Kaji were planning on doing with Vaseline, so he slipped away to his room and dug out his not-so-shiny-but-still-pretty- new MP3 player. 'That was definitely an interesting day.' he said to himself as he clicked the on-switch of his MP3 player.  
  
(Just wild beat Communication.( 


End file.
